The
Passover Seder, the oldest continuously observed religious ceremony in
the world, tells the story of the Jews' Exodus from Egypt.
Jewish
tradition says that people of each generation must imagine that they
personally had departed from Egypt, and the sages say that each
generation must tell the story in its own terms.
The sages probably did
not intend this.
Moses is Departing Egypt: A Facebook Haggadah
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Joseph
is going to Egypt. |
Joseph and Pharaoh
are now friends.
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Elijah
is a bit tipsy, but off to a good start. 30,000 households down, and
it's only 6:30! |
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Pharaoh
is sad to report that my father has entered immortality. I have taken
his place in government and will do my best to honor his name.
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Joseph
Congratulations to you, my master. |
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Pharaoh
Who are you, and why are you writing on my wall? |
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Joseph
I meant no disrespect, my master. |
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Advisor
He is an Israelite. There are many of them. I do not know whether they
are with us or against us. |
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Pharaoh
Let us deal shrewdly with them, lest they join with our enemies in time
of war. |
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Rabbi
Eleazar ben Azaryah
finally figured out why we're supposed to tell the story of the exodus
at night. It's because it says "all the days of your life!"
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Ben
Zoma Huh? |
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Rabbi
Eleazar ben Azaryah You see "Days of your life"
means days only, but "ALL the days of your life" means nights, too. |
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Ben
Zoma Oh, I always thought that referred to after
the coming of the Messiah. |
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Pharaoh
sent The
Israelites Bread of Affliction.
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The
Israelites This stuff tastes awful. |
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The
Israelites This year are we slaves, next year
may we be free! |
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25
things you didn't know about me by God
1.
Guilty pleasure: Smiting people.
2.
I had another universe once, it was so much better than this one. But I
got really wasted one night and lost it in a game of craps. :( I'm
never doing that again.
3.
In my old universe, the really cool one, the dominant species was a
race of hyper-intelligent beetles. It was so cool. Unfortunately, when
I lost that universe I also lost the beetles-as-master-race patent, so
now I have to settle for primates.
4.
I picked up this universe at a 50%-off sale. I thought I was getting a
bargain. But as soon as I took it out of the box at home, I figured out
why: space and time are both a bit bent in places, and most of the mass
is missing. I wish I had saved the receipt.
More
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Pharaoh
has taken the Which
god are you? quiz. Pharaoh is Ra, the Sun god.
Ra represents light, warmth and growth. |
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Pharaoh
has posted an Album: Construction of Pithom and Raamses.
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The
Israelites I'm the 432nd slave from the right! |
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Bernie
Madoff The pyramid scheme is a good concept, but
you need to think bigger. |
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Elijah
is feeling very harried. 3 million houses left, and it's already 7:30! |
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Hillel
sent You
sandwich. |
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Youngest
son Why is this night different from all other
nights?
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Parent
What do you mean? |
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Youngest
son Well, there's the drink-four-times thing,
and the matzah thing, and the dip in salt-water thing. What's up with
that? |
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The
Israelites has written a note on God's
Wall: We're suffering!
See See
Wall to Wall |
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Rabbi
Yehoshua Had a few too many at dinner and spent
the whole night at Akiva's arguing about the Exodus.
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Rabbi
Tarfon My head hurts. |
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God
has written a note on The
Israelites' Wall: Yeah, I see. Listen, sit
tight, and I'll think of something.
See See
Wall to Wall |
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Moses
has taken the Which
god are you? quiz. Moses is Osiris, God of the
Dead. Dressed in white flannel gown, Osiris ruled over the Egyptians
and taught them farming.
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God
Note to self: This is getting really annoying. I have got to add a
Commandment outlawing this stupid Which God Are You Quiz. I think I'll
word it broadly so that no one can possibly misunderstand my
intentions, and I'll put it right up front where they can't possibly
miss it. |
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God
has written a note on Moses'
Wall: Moses, stop wasting time and do something about this whole
slavery thing.
See See
Wall to Wall |
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Pharaoh
has used Yes We Conserve to pledge to Use dryer less.
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Pharaoh
This is a no brainer, as I live in a desert. Also, dryers haven't been
invented yet. |
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Moses
has written a note on God's
Wall: Er, me?
See See
Wall to Wall |
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God
sent Moses
burning bush. |
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God
has written a note on Moses'
Wall: Yeah, you.
See See
Wall to Wall |
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Moses
has written a note on Pharaoh's
Wall: Let my people go!
See See
Wall to Wall |
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Mark
Zuckerberg
You see? It's all about the social graph. Israel talks to God talks to
Moses talks to Pharaoh. There must be some way to make money off of
this.
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God
Aren't you the CEO of Facebook? Listen, the old version was so much
better. Tell your engineers to bring it back. |
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Mark
Zuckerberg Actually, I'd like to stick with the
new one for now. |
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God
I'm sick of seeing all these quizzes! I command you to bring back the
old one! |
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Mark
Zuckerberg is fleeing to Tarshish. |
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Pharaoh
has written a note on Moses'
Wall: Up yours!
See See
Wall to Wall |
Mark Zuckerberg and a
whale are now friends.
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Moses
has used Yes We Conserve to pledge to Use trees to control
sun and shade.
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Moses
Back in my day job as a shepherd (which I still hope to return to some
day), a few strategically planted trees made all the difference in the
world on a hot day. |
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Elijah
is sloshed |
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God
sent Pharaoh
a plague: blood.
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Advisor
No big deal. Our magicians can do that, too. |
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Pharaoh
OK. Whatever. |
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Pharaoh
has written a note on God's
Wall: Nice try. I'm not impressed. The Israelites stay.
See See
Wall to Wall |
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God
sent Pharaoh
9 more plagues.
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Advisor
Uh-oh. These are the fingers of God! |
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Pharaoh
OK, I give. 10 plagues is enough. |
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Rabbi
Jose The Galilean Which means that when God
later smote them at the Red Sea with his hand, they got 50 plagues. |
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Rabbi
Eliezer No, I think it means 200, since each
plague was sent with fierceness of his anger, wrath, and indignation,
and trouble. |
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Rabbi
Akiva Dude, you missed a comma. Fierceness was
its own plague. So that's five plagues per finger, or a total of 250
plagues. |
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Pharaoh
Will you guys stop running up the score?! You already won! Just stop! |
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Pharaoh
has written a note on The
Israelites' Wall: Get out of here!
See See
Wall to Wall |
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Moses
has written a note on The
Israelites' Wall: Quickly, people! Just grab
everything and go!
See See
Wall to Wall
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The
Israelites But what about the bread? We're in
the middle of this great recipe. |
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Moses
Just grab what you can and go! Now! |
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The
Israelites has posted an Album: Fleeing from the
Egyptians.
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Elijah
100 times as many houses to visit, and presents to lug around, too. How
does Santa do it?
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Santa
Claus We young folks have all the energy! :) |
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The
Israelites has written a note on Moses'
Wall: Um, there's a lot of water in front of us, and a bunch of angry
Egyptians behind us. Any ideas?
See See
Wall to Wall |
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Moses
has written a note on God's
Wall: Er, over to you. Any ideas?
See See
Wall to Wall |
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God
has written a note on Moses'
Wall: Stretch out thy rod over the waters.
See See
Wall to Wall |
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Moses
is crossing the Red Sea. |
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The
Israelites has posted an Album: Fishes of the
deep. |
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Pharaoh
has written a note on The
Israelites' Wall: Now I've got you right where I
want you!!
See See
Wall to Wall |
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Pharaoh
is very wet |
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Elijah
is just about ready to call it a night. This gets harder every year. |
Pharaoh and Satan
are now friends.
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God
sent The
Israelites a Torah.
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God
Just so you know, the one I wrote for the hyper-intelligent beetles was
so much cooler. I miss them. Sigh. |
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Here
endeth the Seder.
This
year our ceremony still contains some time for reflection, and some
ability to remain on the same topic for more than a minute or
two. But
next year, may our ceremony be faster, divided into bite-sized chunks,
and with each utterance no more than 140 characters. And so
we say
together,
NEXT YEAR IN TWITTER